It seems to Me the further and further I am allowed to follow the path down the rabbit hole, the less and less I want to come back out. I am not sure how many people have experienced this same thing but I have decided today to talk about it. I certainly struggle with this daily and I think it is an important subject matter to write about.
Here’s the problem. I think about D/s ALL THE TIME…
It wasn’t always this way. In fact, there was a time in My life when I knew nothing of the lifestyle and I lived fairly vanilla, although very kinky, mostly vanilla overall. Something My readers do not know is previous to My long marriage, I was once engaged to a porn star and not just any porn star, “the” porn star. I mean who would expect less from Me? My experiences sexually prior to Me becoming truly sexually dominant had no short comings. So when someone has lived in the vanilla world for so long, experienced all it had to offer, and then goes into their second stage of their life, where do you go from here? How do you challenge yourself?
For Me, this was like finding My calling. Figuring out what I had been missing all along. An understanding, through experience, that this is where My place was. I feel like if I had this “knowing” back when I was 20, My whole life would have been different. In a good way. I really had it all wrong from the beginning.
And now? I CRAVE it. I do. I can’t help it. I think about fantasy and real life experience in the car, at work, church, when around strangers, social events, shopping, at the gym, and of course when I am home. This is partly why I started this website – as an outlet to write and share My obsession with the subject of male submission. It was taking over My mind. This website has been a saving grace really, for Me, to get out all the pent-up thoughts piling up in My mind and I am sure you can see the result of all that. 🙂
Here’s the thing, vanilla is just so fucking plain! I can’t stand it. I want no part of vanilla anymore and yet, vanilla is real life and I find Myself just trying to think a way out of it. I work, run My company, and I think “I should really consider dominating a man full-time, it would be a great way to end out the second half of My life”. I hate having to work a vanilla job. I have owned My company since 2002 and I am just not liking the vanilla flavor of it all anymore.
But, we all have to live real life. It is normal. Kink is hardly a full-time thing until you meet your match and you are able to play 24/7/365. And although I hope that for Me one day, I have yet to find that perfect slave for Me. The problem is all I desire now is NOT vanilla – all I want is this and My focus on what I desire is certainly strong.
I have had the privilege of working closely the past few months with an alpha male who, I have to say, has been very well trained by Me. He started off with no experience, just a regular handsome guy and a desire to please Me. I can’t say expected much of him in the beginning, I may have even kept him at bay at first, as I often do. This man kept himself available and took things slow with Me. But with each step, he listened, he served, he became better and better at pleasing Me. Each time I saw him, it was more and more obvious he was there to listen, learn, and do it right. Which he did. Always thinking of Me, bringing little gifts, sending Me things in the mail, calling to make sure I was ok, and responding when I said I was free. And now, his pleasing of Me is like raw energy. I have such an easy time putting him in subspace and he goes deeper and deeper with Me with each session we spend together, and I love that. This has certainly taken time and training between us, a certain level of trust and commitment. And it makes Me realize the investment involved in truly getting to a great place with another man. Finding a valuable play partner is certainly not all that easy. These things, these kinds of experiences don’t come on a first meeting or even right away. Even if one chooses to play with a new play partner right from the beginning, true subspace I think comes with time and it gets more intimate and more intense as time and experience passes between you two. To go where into a place of deep subspace comes from a level of trust and intimacy that comes through time with one another.
Now, this man may not be My chosen 24/7/365 or maybe he will – who knows with him. His dick is really too small and we do not have intercourse and that kind of makes his long-term relationship with Me slighted, unfortunately. He understands this and, of course, his desire is for Me to be happy and pleased. He wishes for Me to find My big cock submissive slave.
But, what I find is that “subspace” has become like an addiction for Me. I mean, don’t get Me wrong, I am not throwing in the towel in My vanilla life. I am still playing the game like a champ. But I crave D/s. I can’t go a week without letting the true Domme in Me out to play and keeping her inside becomes tougher and tougher. Even in normal life, I find Her peeping through dealing with situations just a tad differently than maybe I would have before.
I can’t stand vanilla experiences anymore. Going to a bar, the library, the coffee shop or much any other place now seems like a place I will find a whole bunch of people I can’t talk to about this stuff with. I seek solace within the words of My D/s friends, submissive boys, and followers because they get it. Probably why I look forward to the Fetish Flea so much. I feel like some people get it, some people do not. I prefer the people that get it now.
With all this, you can see why I desire to speak about the subject of constant mindful engagement of your D/s fantasy and reality. How are you to not let power play consume you and take your focus from all the pretty purple flowers in the world. Well, in My experience, a session relieves that. Although for not as long as I would desire. I am lucky enough to have places to kind of relieve that itch a bit.
BUT, I have to be honest with you. I have yet to go to the place I seek to go I am still on My journey down the rabbit hole and I seek a connection that goes much deeper down that hole than even I have gone thus far. That’s what I love about this, the challenge involved in first finding your match in this and then the discovery process towards enlightenment together if you both agree to be “all in” and go forward. It is just so exciting and rewarding to find a great play partner that works for you.
My suggestion, be committed, loyal, and willing to start from the beginning and end at the end. This is how you can find a Mistress who will take notice in you and desire your play time.
Mistress Lynne 3/2/14